work

I was trying to figure out a good subject to write about tonight since my life is so dull until something came to my mind. Work. It's a big deal right now in my life and so many changes have been happening that I feel like is important to address.

So at the beginning of the year, my Caribou got a new manager. Our last manager was AMAZING and it was really sad to see him move to another store. However, this isn't the first time that I have had to deal with a new manager coming into a store I'm working at. I don't think I could even count how many different managers I have worked with during my time with the company (rough estimate is 10, many more if you count all the different stores I have helped out at). Needless to say, I'm used to having to deal with different managers and know that when a new one comes in, there will always be turnover within the store. For me, I'm shocked at how people at my store are handling the new manager. There are a few of us that know how to deal with it but for some, change is a scary thing and having to step up and prove yourself to someone new is just something that someone doesn't want to do. Maybe it is because I don't have to directly work with the new manager all the time, but I haven't had the problems that other workers claim to have.

On saturday when I worked, I couldn't believe at how much bashing was going on. I understand that it's hard to just pick up in a store that is used to their ways so you need to allow for some difficulties at first. Many people have been complaining about the schedule problems (including the person who did the scheduling before him) and I just want to remind everyone that when our old scheduler started doing the schedules, everything was horrible. I know I wasn't getting the hours that I should have been getting and there was so many people who would just complain about the scheduling. Basically, I just wish people would try to accept the change and learn how to go about it and to stop complaining so much. I don't need to hear about it and I'm not going to agree with you because I have no problems really. I am getting the hours I want and am very thankful to have my job.

New Blog

So to start things off, I made up a new blog strictly for Twins stuff. that is http://twinschat.wordpress.com So any twins talk will be on there. Of course expect tidbits of twins stuff here since it is something that occurs daily in my life!

Anyways, I just wanted to share some thoughts and ideas that have been circling my head for a week now. The first that I've been mulling over is if a TV show can help you in your own life. If you didn't know, I'm in love with the show One Tree Hill. I have all the seasons and never miss an episode. Sadly since I have seen it so many times, I notice myself saying something that is so similar to a line that was said in the show. Then, about two weeks ago, I was watching my newest season that I got for xmas and there was a scene that just hit very close to home. This is the text from the scene.

Julian: You choose your own path
Brooke: But you can't choose who you love.
Julian: You're right, you don't. But you choose whether or not you open your heart to love.

...

Julian: I think you do love me.. Or you could love me.. But you're just too stubborn and scared to admit it because the last time you really gave your heart to someone, it got broken. And I get that. I've been there. But somewhere along the line you gave up on the idea that you deserve to feel this way again.

This episode has always hit close to the heart for me. Because I have said it since the beginning of college that I am scared about opening my heart to someone else for the reason that Julian says above. And oddly enough, I think my previous relationship with Ben had this happen, just opposite than what I would have thought. Ben told me after he read my last post that since he's been in love before, he knows that feeling. And he didn't have those feelings with me and didn't want to lead me on. After I heard those words pretty much saying he didn't see himself falling in love with me, I thought about things. And this is what I said back to him:

>

I don’t want this to sound judgmental since I don’t know exactly what is going through your mind, but in my opinion, you never really opened yourself up to me. Between having your ex pop-up in the middle of us dating saying she wanted to get back together with you, you always seemed to have some kind of wall up that I could never tear down. I mean, you would not even call me your girlfriend so how were we ever going to get anywhere. Trust me, I understand not being able to let your heart fall for someone else because you are afraid of being hurt or not over your previous relationship. I’ve been there, but I think that saying you didn’t feel us falling towards love only after knowing each other for 3 months and the situations that came up is hard for me to reason with. I know that I was finally trusting myself with you and falling in love once again but I was only able to do that because I didn’t hold back like I did previously. Since I have done it so many times, I feel like I can recognize it pretty easily and that is what you were doing. And it sucks for me and it just sucks in general but that is my opinion on it all. Take it or leave it.

I know what I say won’t change anything and I can accept that, but if you want to find love in the future, you need to know that by not opening yourself up completely, you won’t find it. I don’t want you to turn out miserable like I have been the past four years and not being able to open yourself up to people after a bad split. It is not a fun position to be in. So I hope that you will think about what I say and hopefully find some meaning in it.

Remember, if you don't put yourself 100% into a relationship you obviously won't have those feelings. Because you won't let those feelings happen.

Ben never said anything back to it but all I can hope is that there was some truth in what I said and that he takes the advice that I gave him. Because I've been there.

So last Sunday was Valentine's Day. My least favorite holiday of the year. I don't think it helps that I have been single for 21/22 valentine's days. And now with the recent split from Ben, I was really worried that i was going to be a mess. But I wasn't. I got through the day without one tear. And that made me really proud of myself and let me think that I was okay with all of this now and ready to move on.

However, last night, drunk me still wasn't ready to move on I guess. I went out drinking for one last hurrah since I'm giving it up for Lent. The end of the night at the bars is really fuzzy and I don't really remember leaving or walking home, but what I do remember is balling my eyes out on the way home because of Ben. Why exactly, I am not sure, but I just remember crying. And not being able to get the keys out of the door. But that isn't important. Anyways, I ended up texting Ben last night saying how it sucks that I'm still in love with him. And I guess I tried calling him. I don't recall any of this. All I know is that it was stupid and I had no reason to say those things because I don't know if I really mean them. I guess drunk me does but sober me believes that I am okay. So Ben, if you end up reading this, know that I am really sorry again and I want us to go back to how things were going when we were just talking and goofying around.

Anyways... I stumbled upon this website tonight looking for recipes and found something else that hits close to home. It is titled "Do you Miss Him or the Relationship?" http://collegecandy.com/2010/02/13/lh-do-you-miss-him-or-the-relationship/#more-50838

When I read this part of the article I just couldn't believe at how true it was and how I couldn't figure it out myself. But either way, it is insightful and worth a thought:

College relationships bring comfort and ease during a time in our lives that is filled with uncertainty. We’re unsure about our future, our jobs, our grades, our finances, and are generally stressed out. We look at our guys as the one thing we can count on always; to support us, to love us, to cuddle with us after a long day of class and studying. Not to mention that being single is exhausting!

The part I bolded is exactly true in my eyes and is probably what I really miss. So thank you collegecandy for that insightful look into an area I couldn't see.

Alright... I gotta update my other blog now. Hoping that this hangover headache will go away by morning!

Update on New Years Resolution

So my new years resolution this year was to get back into shape and to lose 25 pounds. I was going to do that by a low carb diet and exercising 4 times a week (that would start once school started). I was able to do pretty well on the low carb diet. the 3 weeks that I was on the diet, I lost 11 pounds. However, I was not able to exercise like I had hoped. I worked out twice the first week of school. But then the next week I was sick and the week after that I had an injury to my hip. But now, I am switching to a low calorie diet and so far this week, have worked out three times. I am doing lifting twice a week and cardio 4 times a week (harder cardio on the days I don't lift). I am hoping that by the end of the semester, I will have lost the next 15 pounds that I want to lose. I figure if I make this kind of public I will stick to it more. I really want to get back into the shape I was the summer after my Freshman year of college. That's the goal.



See why I want to be back in that shape??

It gets easier everyday pretending like I don't miss you...

This past weekend was supposed to be a great weekend. It was Twinsfest and I got tickets for christmas so it would work out perfect. Plus, I was going to be able to see Ben after going two weeks without seeing each other. However, the weekend turned out to be pretty crappy. I don't usually show my emotions to people or get personal so this is a big stretch for me. I'm sorry if this turns out really long and I seem to ramble. It is just me trying to work out the thoughts in my head.

I drove up to the cities from Winona and get into town a little after 3 on Friday. I stopped by my work to see if I was scheduled the next week. While there my boss asked me to stay and do some back office work which I did. After that, Ben drove down to my house. Between the time when I got home and he got there, I was doing some stuff online and cleaned/unpacked my stuff in my room. Ben got to my house and I told myself that I wouldn't go rushing to him because I was really and truly very excited to see him, but instead, play it cool. I let him into my house and talked a little bit. I went into my room to finish getting stuff together for Twinsfest but Ben didn't follow me. So I called to him to come into the room. I told him how I wanted a hug and when he hugged me I knew right away; I knew that something was wrong by the way he was hugging me. He told me then that he had something to say. I said "I"m not going to like this" and he told me, "no, you're not going to like it at all." I figured it was two things. Either he cheated on me or he wanted to break things off. So I sat on my bed and he sat on my futon, sighed while looking down then finally looked up at me and said, "I don't think we should see each other anymore." With that, I sat there processing everything in my head. I kept thinking "Great, just when things in my life started to look promising" and "just when things started going right for once." And then I had to figure out what i was going to say. He tried to explain that the past few days he had been thinking and realized that he can't do a relationship after all. (at least I hope this is the actual reason and not that he actually wanted to date someone else or something like that) It only took him 3 months to realize this... (oh and he also said if I wanted to punch him he totally understood. Too bad I'm not the violent type.)

I mumbled under my breath "just when things were going good for once," then took a big breathe and asked if he would still go to Twinsfest with me. He seemed really shocked that I would still want to hang out with him and even I was, but Twinsfest is like my christmas and I did not want to go alone. So I explained how I became so wrapped up with the Twins in the first place because I wanted something to hide behind and maybe to love since I couldn't find someone to actually love that would love me back. So I collected myself, dried some of the tears that formed and a few minutes later we were out the door heading to the metrodome.

I was very surprised on how well we were able to just hang out and talk. I am sure he felt the big wall that was put up after what he told me. I know I was crossing my arms a lot more during the night and I kept my distance from him when possible. But I was able to laugh and smile while hanging out with him which made things worse probably since I knew that I wouldn't have this happen again with him, and that sucked because it was so easy and I really enjoyed his company.

One thing that really sucked was when we would walk up to get my picture taken with a twins player, the people working it would always make comments about how "he is being a gentleman and letting me just be in the picture" and how "we just couldn't be away from each other" when we asked if he had to pay for the picture if he wasn't actually getting his picture taken. I just wanted to yell at everyone who said something that no, he really isn't that nice of a guy since he just broke up with me!" but I couldn't. So Instead I put on the brave face and kept going on with the evening.

To conclude the evening with Ben, we went and got ice cream. While eating our blizzards, Ben slightly choked on a piece of brownie. Ben said something that I can't remember but my response was "no, I was just trying to figure out if you actually were choking if I would save you." Ya, I was putting on a good face for the night but there was a part of me that was really bitter. And I am glad that I let some of that show because i wanted him to see that i really was hurt.

That night when I got home, I still had not told my mom so I went to bed because I had to work the next morning. But really and truly, i went to my room and bawled. I talked to the people who were online, one of which was my exboyfriend from high school. It was actually really nice to yell at him since I never got to really when we broke up and he was able to realize how much of a dick he was when he broke up with me. Either way, it left me feeling better and I was finally able to fall asleep.

The next morning I got to work and one of my co-workers asked if there was something wrong because I looked like "death". Not exactly what you want to hear but I didn't say anything and I just tried to get through work. One co-worked knew because I texted him the previous night so when he came into work i was able to get a hug from him which only made me tear up. Then that night I was supposed to hang out with my friend Kelli because she got dumped by her bf the same day so we were gonna order chinese food and drink wine to try to feel better. However, Kelli didn't get to her place till after 10 so I ended up only have a glass of wine with her and no food (which means I barely ate all day because god knows I didn't really feel like it the rest of the day).

Then the next day, it was horrible. The night before I had tried to find my Twinsfest tickets that my grandma gave to me for christmas but with no luck. So when I got home from Kelli's place, I kept looking and couldn't find them. I really wanted to be able to go since I would be going with my best friend and I wanted to meet Rod Carew and get Trevor Plouffe's autograph. I posted something on my facebook about how I couldn't find my tickets and one of the star tribune blog writers, Howard Sinker, sent me a message saying he had 2 extra tickets that he would be more than willing to give to me. I was so thrilled and grateful! I met with him in St. Louis Park and we headed to the metrodome where I was able to have a great time talking to my best friend and getting excited about baseball season. When I got home I had to pack up my stuff to go back to Winona and then my mom made a homemade turkey dinner so I had that before I went down.

Since coming to Winona, things have gotten a little bit better. I have more distractions here I think but I'm still really lonely. Ben and I talked to each other every day I'm pretty sure for 3 months and now not talking to him really hurts me. I didn't cry Monday or Tuesday but tonight, it has been a lost cause. I miss him right now and i almost feel like I shouldn't because i was so stupid in falling for him. I'm pretty sure I cared for him more than he cared for me and that is my problem. And therefore, since I fell for him I get hurt worse than if I would have just tried to keep my distance. But at the same time, you can't move on in the right direction if you don't open yourself into the idea of loving someone. I told this to ben that he was the first guy since my high school boyfriend that I didn't feel like I would miss out on another guy if i was with him. I was so content and happy with him and we got along great. He was someone that I could talk to about sports and not get treated like just a friend because of that.

One thing I hate is when after you break up with someone how people say "you're better off without them" or "You'll find someone better". While that might all be true later on in life, at this time right now I was very happy with Ben and he was just what i was looking for and desired. It just really sucks that he didn't feel the same way. then I play the whole "I wonder if I did something wrong" of "I wonder if I could have done something to keep him around" mind games. To quote a Lady Antebellum song, "could I have loved a little deeper, Or did I hold on too strong?"

I'm sure that in the end everything will be fine and blah blah blah but at the same time, it took me over 4 years to let myself trust another man. How do I know that it won't take that much time again to find happiness? My chances as I see it right now seem grim since I go to school during the week and then go home to the cities and work 20 hours a weekend so therefore, no social time. It obviously isn't high on my list to find someone but I am scared that I won't be able to trust someone again. I was hurt bad when I first got to college and now I'm hurt again.

Then there are the things that are in a sense "ruined" for me. Like the movie "you got mail". that was the first movie ben and i watched together and he was able to quote the movie with me. And whenever we saw it on TV we would watch it or let the other person know it was on. now every time I see that movie it will make me think of him. Then there is the Darius Rucker song "alright" that Ben sang Karaoke for the first night we met. Ever since that night whenever I hear it it makes me think of him. Song ruined.

All in all it just sucks what happened because it came out of the blue when I thought we were both happy. I guess it was just bad timing on it all and I have to suck it up and accept it. I've been so disappointed in my life and it just keeps piling on. I guess I really do need to learn that everyone will disappoint you and cause you pain. I can turn to music and they seem to always understand the pain that I'm going through. Mostly though, I need to keep myself around people. The more that I am alone, the more that i realize that I am lonely and that I really and truly miss him. Every day I wonder if I should tell him that I miss him or just say hi but part of me thinks I should stay silent and if he wants to talk, he'll say something to me. It's that whole waiting game and uncertainty that kills me. He was becoming such a big part of my life and now that has been ripped out.

The way we ended things is something that I try to figure out in my mind all the time. We never talked about still being friends or still talking. And by him saying "I realized I can't do a relationship right now", does that mean that maybe later on we might have a future or that you just don't ever want to talk or see me again? Knowing my luck it is the latter and I should hope for the first one, but then again, if I hope, I will only end up being let down once again.

Luckily for me, spring training is right around the corner so I can hide myself in the twins to help fill the void that is once again there. Expect possibly more blog entries about this but for the most part, I will concentrate on the Twins. Like I said at the beginning, I don't let me emotions show for many people and I end up being the person who just puts on a smile and pretends everything is okay, and most of the time everyone believes me.