It gets easier everyday pretending like I don't miss you...

This past weekend was supposed to be a great weekend. It was Twinsfest and I got tickets for christmas so it would work out perfect. Plus, I was going to be able to see Ben after going two weeks without seeing each other. However, the weekend turned out to be pretty crappy. I don't usually show my emotions to people or get personal so this is a big stretch for me. I'm sorry if this turns out really long and I seem to ramble. It is just me trying to work out the thoughts in my head.

I drove up to the cities from Winona and get into town a little after 3 on Friday. I stopped by my work to see if I was scheduled the next week. While there my boss asked me to stay and do some back office work which I did. After that, Ben drove down to my house. Between the time when I got home and he got there, I was doing some stuff online and cleaned/unpacked my stuff in my room. Ben got to my house and I told myself that I wouldn't go rushing to him because I was really and truly very excited to see him, but instead, play it cool. I let him into my house and talked a little bit. I went into my room to finish getting stuff together for Twinsfest but Ben didn't follow me. So I called to him to come into the room. I told him how I wanted a hug and when he hugged me I knew right away; I knew that something was wrong by the way he was hugging me. He told me then that he had something to say. I said "I"m not going to like this" and he told me, "no, you're not going to like it at all." I figured it was two things. Either he cheated on me or he wanted to break things off. So I sat on my bed and he sat on my futon, sighed while looking down then finally looked up at me and said, "I don't think we should see each other anymore." With that, I sat there processing everything in my head. I kept thinking "Great, just when things in my life started to look promising" and "just when things started going right for once." And then I had to figure out what i was going to say. He tried to explain that the past few days he had been thinking and realized that he can't do a relationship after all. (at least I hope this is the actual reason and not that he actually wanted to date someone else or something like that) It only took him 3 months to realize this... (oh and he also said if I wanted to punch him he totally understood. Too bad I'm not the violent type.)

I mumbled under my breath "just when things were going good for once," then took a big breathe and asked if he would still go to Twinsfest with me. He seemed really shocked that I would still want to hang out with him and even I was, but Twinsfest is like my christmas and I did not want to go alone. So I explained how I became so wrapped up with the Twins in the first place because I wanted something to hide behind and maybe to love since I couldn't find someone to actually love that would love me back. So I collected myself, dried some of the tears that formed and a few minutes later we were out the door heading to the metrodome.

I was very surprised on how well we were able to just hang out and talk. I am sure he felt the big wall that was put up after what he told me. I know I was crossing my arms a lot more during the night and I kept my distance from him when possible. But I was able to laugh and smile while hanging out with him which made things worse probably since I knew that I wouldn't have this happen again with him, and that sucked because it was so easy and I really enjoyed his company.

One thing that really sucked was when we would walk up to get my picture taken with a twins player, the people working it would always make comments about how "he is being a gentleman and letting me just be in the picture" and how "we just couldn't be away from each other" when we asked if he had to pay for the picture if he wasn't actually getting his picture taken. I just wanted to yell at everyone who said something that no, he really isn't that nice of a guy since he just broke up with me!" but I couldn't. So Instead I put on the brave face and kept going on with the evening.

To conclude the evening with Ben, we went and got ice cream. While eating our blizzards, Ben slightly choked on a piece of brownie. Ben said something that I can't remember but my response was "no, I was just trying to figure out if you actually were choking if I would save you." Ya, I was putting on a good face for the night but there was a part of me that was really bitter. And I am glad that I let some of that show because i wanted him to see that i really was hurt.

That night when I got home, I still had not told my mom so I went to bed because I had to work the next morning. But really and truly, i went to my room and bawled. I talked to the people who were online, one of which was my exboyfriend from high school. It was actually really nice to yell at him since I never got to really when we broke up and he was able to realize how much of a dick he was when he broke up with me. Either way, it left me feeling better and I was finally able to fall asleep.

The next morning I got to work and one of my co-workers asked if there was something wrong because I looked like "death". Not exactly what you want to hear but I didn't say anything and I just tried to get through work. One co-worked knew because I texted him the previous night so when he came into work i was able to get a hug from him which only made me tear up. Then that night I was supposed to hang out with my friend Kelli because she got dumped by her bf the same day so we were gonna order chinese food and drink wine to try to feel better. However, Kelli didn't get to her place till after 10 so I ended up only have a glass of wine with her and no food (which means I barely ate all day because god knows I didn't really feel like it the rest of the day).

Then the next day, it was horrible. The night before I had tried to find my Twinsfest tickets that my grandma gave to me for christmas but with no luck. So when I got home from Kelli's place, I kept looking and couldn't find them. I really wanted to be able to go since I would be going with my best friend and I wanted to meet Rod Carew and get Trevor Plouffe's autograph. I posted something on my facebook about how I couldn't find my tickets and one of the star tribune blog writers, Howard Sinker, sent me a message saying he had 2 extra tickets that he would be more than willing to give to me. I was so thrilled and grateful! I met with him in St. Louis Park and we headed to the metrodome where I was able to have a great time talking to my best friend and getting excited about baseball season. When I got home I had to pack up my stuff to go back to Winona and then my mom made a homemade turkey dinner so I had that before I went down.

Since coming to Winona, things have gotten a little bit better. I have more distractions here I think but I'm still really lonely. Ben and I talked to each other every day I'm pretty sure for 3 months and now not talking to him really hurts me. I didn't cry Monday or Tuesday but tonight, it has been a lost cause. I miss him right now and i almost feel like I shouldn't because i was so stupid in falling for him. I'm pretty sure I cared for him more than he cared for me and that is my problem. And therefore, since I fell for him I get hurt worse than if I would have just tried to keep my distance. But at the same time, you can't move on in the right direction if you don't open yourself into the idea of loving someone. I told this to ben that he was the first guy since my high school boyfriend that I didn't feel like I would miss out on another guy if i was with him. I was so content and happy with him and we got along great. He was someone that I could talk to about sports and not get treated like just a friend because of that.

One thing I hate is when after you break up with someone how people say "you're better off without them" or "You'll find someone better". While that might all be true later on in life, at this time right now I was very happy with Ben and he was just what i was looking for and desired. It just really sucks that he didn't feel the same way. then I play the whole "I wonder if I did something wrong" of "I wonder if I could have done something to keep him around" mind games. To quote a Lady Antebellum song, "could I have loved a little deeper, Or did I hold on too strong?"

I'm sure that in the end everything will be fine and blah blah blah but at the same time, it took me over 4 years to let myself trust another man. How do I know that it won't take that much time again to find happiness? My chances as I see it right now seem grim since I go to school during the week and then go home to the cities and work 20 hours a weekend so therefore, no social time. It obviously isn't high on my list to find someone but I am scared that I won't be able to trust someone again. I was hurt bad when I first got to college and now I'm hurt again.

Then there are the things that are in a sense "ruined" for me. Like the movie "you got mail". that was the first movie ben and i watched together and he was able to quote the movie with me. And whenever we saw it on TV we would watch it or let the other person know it was on. now every time I see that movie it will make me think of him. Then there is the Darius Rucker song "alright" that Ben sang Karaoke for the first night we met. Ever since that night whenever I hear it it makes me think of him. Song ruined.

All in all it just sucks what happened because it came out of the blue when I thought we were both happy. I guess it was just bad timing on it all and I have to suck it up and accept it. I've been so disappointed in my life and it just keeps piling on. I guess I really do need to learn that everyone will disappoint you and cause you pain. I can turn to music and they seem to always understand the pain that I'm going through. Mostly though, I need to keep myself around people. The more that I am alone, the more that i realize that I am lonely and that I really and truly miss him. Every day I wonder if I should tell him that I miss him or just say hi but part of me thinks I should stay silent and if he wants to talk, he'll say something to me. It's that whole waiting game and uncertainty that kills me. He was becoming such a big part of my life and now that has been ripped out.

The way we ended things is something that I try to figure out in my mind all the time. We never talked about still being friends or still talking. And by him saying "I realized I can't do a relationship right now", does that mean that maybe later on we might have a future or that you just don't ever want to talk or see me again? Knowing my luck it is the latter and I should hope for the first one, but then again, if I hope, I will only end up being let down once again.

Luckily for me, spring training is right around the corner so I can hide myself in the twins to help fill the void that is once again there. Expect possibly more blog entries about this but for the most part, I will concentrate on the Twins. Like I said at the beginning, I don't let me emotions show for many people and I end up being the person who just puts on a smile and pretends everything is okay, and most of the time everyone believes me.