New Blog

So to start things off, I made up a new blog strictly for Twins stuff. that is http://twinschat.wordpress.com So any twins talk will be on there. Of course expect tidbits of twins stuff here since it is something that occurs daily in my life!

Anyways, I just wanted to share some thoughts and ideas that have been circling my head for a week now. The first that I've been mulling over is if a TV show can help you in your own life. If you didn't know, I'm in love with the show One Tree Hill. I have all the seasons and never miss an episode. Sadly since I have seen it so many times, I notice myself saying something that is so similar to a line that was said in the show. Then, about two weeks ago, I was watching my newest season that I got for xmas and there was a scene that just hit very close to home. This is the text from the scene.

Julian: You choose your own path
Brooke: But you can't choose who you love.
Julian: You're right, you don't. But you choose whether or not you open your heart to love.

...

Julian: I think you do love me.. Or you could love me.. But you're just too stubborn and scared to admit it because the last time you really gave your heart to someone, it got broken. And I get that. I've been there. But somewhere along the line you gave up on the idea that you deserve to feel this way again.

This episode has always hit close to the heart for me. Because I have said it since the beginning of college that I am scared about opening my heart to someone else for the reason that Julian says above. And oddly enough, I think my previous relationship with Ben had this happen, just opposite than what I would have thought. Ben told me after he read my last post that since he's been in love before, he knows that feeling. And he didn't have those feelings with me and didn't want to lead me on. After I heard those words pretty much saying he didn't see himself falling in love with me, I thought about things. And this is what I said back to him:

>

I don’t want this to sound judgmental since I don’t know exactly what is going through your mind, but in my opinion, you never really opened yourself up to me. Between having your ex pop-up in the middle of us dating saying she wanted to get back together with you, you always seemed to have some kind of wall up that I could never tear down. I mean, you would not even call me your girlfriend so how were we ever going to get anywhere. Trust me, I understand not being able to let your heart fall for someone else because you are afraid of being hurt or not over your previous relationship. I’ve been there, but I think that saying you didn’t feel us falling towards love only after knowing each other for 3 months and the situations that came up is hard for me to reason with. I know that I was finally trusting myself with you and falling in love once again but I was only able to do that because I didn’t hold back like I did previously. Since I have done it so many times, I feel like I can recognize it pretty easily and that is what you were doing. And it sucks for me and it just sucks in general but that is my opinion on it all. Take it or leave it.

I know what I say won’t change anything and I can accept that, but if you want to find love in the future, you need to know that by not opening yourself up completely, you won’t find it. I don’t want you to turn out miserable like I have been the past four years and not being able to open yourself up to people after a bad split. It is not a fun position to be in. So I hope that you will think about what I say and hopefully find some meaning in it.

Remember, if you don't put yourself 100% into a relationship you obviously won't have those feelings. Because you won't let those feelings happen.

Ben never said anything back to it but all I can hope is that there was some truth in what I said and that he takes the advice that I gave him. Because I've been there.

So last Sunday was Valentine's Day. My least favorite holiday of the year. I don't think it helps that I have been single for 21/22 valentine's days. And now with the recent split from Ben, I was really worried that i was going to be a mess. But I wasn't. I got through the day without one tear. And that made me really proud of myself and let me think that I was okay with all of this now and ready to move on.

However, last night, drunk me still wasn't ready to move on I guess. I went out drinking for one last hurrah since I'm giving it up for Lent. The end of the night at the bars is really fuzzy and I don't really remember leaving or walking home, but what I do remember is balling my eyes out on the way home because of Ben. Why exactly, I am not sure, but I just remember crying. And not being able to get the keys out of the door. But that isn't important. Anyways, I ended up texting Ben last night saying how it sucks that I'm still in love with him. And I guess I tried calling him. I don't recall any of this. All I know is that it was stupid and I had no reason to say those things because I don't know if I really mean them. I guess drunk me does but sober me believes that I am okay. So Ben, if you end up reading this, know that I am really sorry again and I want us to go back to how things were going when we were just talking and goofying around.

Anyways... I stumbled upon this website tonight looking for recipes and found something else that hits close to home. It is titled "Do you Miss Him or the Relationship?" http://collegecandy.com/2010/02/13/lh-do-you-miss-him-or-the-relationship/#more-50838

When I read this part of the article I just couldn't believe at how true it was and how I couldn't figure it out myself. But either way, it is insightful and worth a thought:

College relationships bring comfort and ease during a time in our lives that is filled with uncertainty. We’re unsure about our future, our jobs, our grades, our finances, and are generally stressed out. We look at our guys as the one thing we can count on always; to support us, to love us, to cuddle with us after a long day of class and studying. Not to mention that being single is exhausting!

The part I bolded is exactly true in my eyes and is probably what I really miss. So thank you collegecandy for that insightful look into an area I couldn't see.

Alright... I gotta update my other blog now. Hoping that this hangover headache will go away by morning!